There goes the neighborhood

Local land use policy makes sure nothing ever changes now that you're here and happy.

Satire can be an effective communication device because it combines humor and irony to highlight and criticize societal issues, norms, and behaviors. SNL’s Weekend Update, the Onion, Babylon Bee, The Daily Show, Real Time—they generate the most interest when they’re at their most comically savage. 

Not every urbanism conversation needs satire to provoke thought, but it can certainly be a useful tool to create a level of detachment that can help people see a problem or solution more clearly. And of course, ridicule is one of Saul Alinksy’s rules for radicals.

With that in mind, local regulations tell you what you can—but mostly can’t—do in your home or neighborhood. Here are a whole bunch of reasons the authority might be using zoning and other land use controls to protect Americans from themselves. I’m being mild here. Most local rules deserve loud and unmerciful mockery when you peel away the jargon.

Why we can’t have don’t need nice things.

1. Townhomes (because who needs compact and efficient housing options?)

2. Accessory dwelling units (because having extended family or extra income is overrated)

3. Community gardens (because cultivating fresh produce is a threat to farmers)

4. Home-based businesses (because entrepreneurship should be confined to soulless office parks)

5. Street vendors (because delicious street food makes us gain weight)

6. Mixed-use developments (because walkability is just policy jargon)

7. Home libraries (because knowledge and intellectual pursuits are so last century)

8. Public art installations (because creativity and self-expression can be dangerous)

9. Car-sharing services (because pick yourself up by your bootstraps and walk to your own car)

10. Outdoor seating for cafes and restaurants (because you’ll slow down traffic)

11. Bike lanes (because clearly we don’t have any space for that)

12. Rooftop solar panels (because the sun will explode one day anyways)

13. Sidewalk expansions (because single-file walking helps train for DUI checks)

14. Granny flats or in-law suites (because multigenerational living is just a thing you see on Netflix)

15. Tiny houses (because I don’t like it so why would anyone else)

16. Public gathering spaces (because fostering a sense of community leads to zoning abolition)

17. Public murals (because minimalist walls are better Instagrammable backgrounds)

18. Accessible infrastructure for people with disabilities (because can’t they just get a ride?)

19. Pedestrian-friendly streets (because we need to cap noise pollution from happy people)

20. Farmer's markets (because it might cut into the profits of factory farming)

21. Community centers (because that’s what Nextdoor is for)

22. Playgrounds and parks (because kids might fall and hurt themselves)

23. Skate parks (because skateboarding correlates with independence)

24. Public swimming pools (because someone always sneaks in nut-based snacks)

25. Public Wi-Fi hotspots (because loitering is out of control)

26. Outdoor fitness equipment (because Gold’s Gym is only a 15-minute drive from here)

27. Outdoor movie screenings (because it leads to requests for pedestrian-friendly streets)

28. Electric vehicle charging hubs (because fossil fuels are forever)

29. Public restrooms (because I told you to try before we left the house)

30. Dog parks (because sidewalks and street trees already exist)

31. Bike racks (because cycling is just for exercise, so turn around and go back home to park)

32. Family-friendly water features (because next you’ll be asking for free towels)

33. Public basketball courts (because car storage is the highest and best use of asphalt surfaces)

34. Hiking trail (because the mandatory parking lot dimensions would make the trail too small)

35. Tennis courts (because before long you’ll be asking for pickleball)

36. Amphitheaters (because dancing leads to flirting leads to coupling leads to overpopulation)

37. Picnic areas (because how many times do we have to say NO loitering?)

38. Backyard beekeeping (because the ATF will confiscate your homemade honey anyway)

39. Public libraries (because we already know what’s best for you)

40. Climbing structures (because complaints are cheaper than lawsuits)

41. Ice-skating rinks (because do you even know how gross those boots and laces are?)

42. Outdoor sculpture gardens (because gardens are meant for flowers, not art)

43. Bike-share program (because that encourages bicycling as transportation)

44. Electric scooters (because why can’t you just use your car for short trips?)

45. Disc-golf course (because seniors should be at home alone)

46. Community tool libraries (because teens might build their own ramps and half-pipes)

47. Temporary retail spaces (because what if they’re selling stuff without proper licenses)

48. Corner grocery store (because please drive and shop at the chain store we gave a tax break to)

49. Home-sharing and short-term rentals (because we decide who sleeps in your house)

50. Festivals (because…actually, these are fine, but not in my backyard)